Ever wonder what text messages the Downton Abbey characters would have sent each other? Me, too.
So since the final episode of Downton Abbey is just days away, I did what any normal person would do in this situation: created fan fiction with the central vehicle being a technology that appears 75 years after the show’s setting.
Please to enjoy.
Mrs. Hughes to Anna: Dear, the police are here to question you about Mr. Green’s murder. Again. They also want to talk to Mr. Bates because it will take up more screen time and Julian Fellowes is on vacation.
Anna to Mrs. Hughes: Ugh, ok. Put the violins on standby.
Edith to Mary: Running late for tea w the children. Tell Marigold that Mumm- I mean her “friend” will see her soon.
Mary to Edith: Do it yourself u cow. I’m too busy pretending not to be interested in my 27 dashing suitors.
Sybbie to George: Soooo are we supposed to pretend we don’t know Auntie Edith is Marigold’s mum? I mean, I may be the chauffeur’s daughter, but I’m not a moron lol!
George to Sybbie: Lol like our parents even notice what we do. We literally see them for 30 minutes a day!
Carson to Mrs. Hughes: Did you get a chance to read those instructions on proper napkin-folding technique? I really don’t want to eat like an animal tonight (again).
Mrs. Hughes to Carson: Did you get that message I wrote on the back of those instructions? Spoiler alert- You’re sleeping in the butler’s pantry tonight.
Random Maid #1 to Random Maid #2: Srsly who do I have 2 bang 2 get a good storyline around here?
Random Maid #2 to Random Maid #1: Lol not Thomas
Thomas to Andy: Dude, that Thomas guy is smokin’ hot! I mean I’m not gay or anything, but if I was…
Andy to Thomas: *sigh* I know it’s u, Thomas. Ur name is on the screen.
Spratt to Denker: I hate u. U suck. Ur the suckiest ladies maid ever.
Denker to Spratt: Shuv it Sprout.
Robert to Cora: My tummy hurts…still 🙁 🙁 🙁
Cora to Robert: Can’t talk right now darling. The ‘art dealer’ is here again and he wants to examine the paintings on our bedroom ceiling. Must be polite, you know.
Violet to Isobel: I was going to send you a letter since I refuse to take part in this ‘texting’ abomination, (so very plebian), but the gardener seems to have stolen my favorite pen. Will you come for lunch?
Isobel to Violet: I think it’s delightful! 🙂 <3 Just think of the positive impact on the environment this will have. And of course I’ll come for lunch– we’re contractually obligated to appear in every scene together, remember?